I sincerely hate the idea of romance.
Words by Noluvuyo Mjoli (Cultural Observer & Educator)
Additional words by Alex Gwaze (Curator)
Let me begin by saying I love to love. In fact I love being in love and being loved. All those love chemicals are so addictive. They keep me up at night, replaying the memories, attempting not to forget how it felt. I find myself rereading messages and listening to meaningless voice texts, just in case the emotions lapse. I go to the extent of compiling playlists that could better articulate my burning passion. This is what love does. It makes you do stupid shit. For these reasons, I hate romance. But wait, before we go further let’s define Romance so we are on the same wavelength.
Romance is “the excitement and mystery associated with love”. Sounds fun right? Let me underline one word for now – “excitement”. Romance by definition is not the fear of the unknown but the love of the unknown. It describes that early stage of relationship when the love drugs are still peaking – the courtship phase. Recently South African youths have amplified the relevance of the courting period leading to a new word dubbed “umjolo”.
“Umjolo” will be the death of us! Its already been described as a pandemic by ETVs hit show “Umjolo: The Pandemic”. Its also inspired various Amapiano songs. But for me, the songs of Afropop icon, Intaba yase Dubai are a good place to start to get some clarity on the street definition of “umjolo”. In his music Intaba yase Dubai often refers to his lover as “umathandana wami”. Isizulu distinguishes between “umjolo” and “ukuthandana”. “Ukuthandana” is an affirmed relationship – that deep love I was talking about that tricks you into sending nudes. However, if we look at the popular hit song “Adiwele” by Kabza de Small and Young Stunna, we get closer to the contemporary definition of “umjolo”.
“Andiwele” is an ‘oldish’ song that contains the hook, “umjolo uzokukhathaza (dating is such a heartache/ dating will drain you)”. The hook became a popular anthem for many ‘jollists’. Those who have been overwhelmed by the excitement of the prospect of a new hit of love are familiar with the heartaches of withdrawing from toxic strangers. That is why #umjolothepandemic will never fail to yield a slew of recent posts on social media. But why all the heartache? This brings us back to my love hate relationship with “Romance”.
Romance is essentially “associated” with displays of love. That word – “associated” – is the second word I want to highlight from our definition of “Romance”. So how do we learn to ‘romance’ each other? We copy what we see, hear and read. The styles and language of courtship for our generation have been adapted from Western ideals that celebrate Capitalism. This means gifts, grand gestures, ‘options’ and sunsets on the beach are part of the blueprint Romance. As a consequence lovers become players in the game of love.
This game of love is not played by everyone but where I come from the idea of dating means sex. So the game is played by exchanging monetary benefits for bodily fluids to affirm relationship statuses. I love yous are said in vain because one of the underwritten commandments of “umjolo” is not to catch feelings. The first and second rules of the “mjolo” club are “keep your options open”. Yes ‘couples’ post boo’d up images of beacations, meals, matching outfits, kisses and more. But those are just adverts, #couplegoals.
The goal of some these displays of ‘love’ are to boost your profile, show you are winning in the game of love by creating envy. As well as to make sure whoever tries to court you next knows this is the kind of lifestyle or level of ‘love’ you are “used to”. The third rule for jollists is to look ‘happily in love’. So some of these images are a glamourised thirst traps. In reality hardcore “jollists” fear the responsibility that comes from true commitment. When things get serious, meaning the courtship process is demystified with a dose of ‘broke-ness’ and other real emotions, the ‘jollists’ run and hide, #ghosting.
It goes without saying, ultimately “umjolo” requires money. However, the man is often the sole contributor to this “umjolo” fund, aka “girlfriend allowance”. In exchange for the allowance and gifts “emjolweni” (sex), loyalty and obedience are expected and demanded, in return. Some women I know use the expressions ‘Nika nika’ or ‘ina ethe’ – loosely translated to, “I give you, you give me (nika nika)”. “Ina ethe” is a Xhosa idiom for hands wash each other. With older women courting young men, it is often their duty to pamper them with monetary favours in exchange for sexual pleasures and for company. Nonetheless, in any culture this unwritten expectation of sexual favours in exchange for gifts, often has tragic, violent consequences.
This is why I am put off by the idea of “umjolo”. I cringe every time I see people argue about body counts or celebrities like Enhle Mbali Mlotshwa and Black Coffee quibble over who paid for what in their relationship. For me, such posts are symptoms that we are struggling to comprehend the complexities of relationship because we have absorbed too much Western Romance. I know some might say so I am blaming the West for everything. No, I am blaming them for the “soft power” of the cultural products that have saturated the African market with ‘drama’ and no real stories of true love.
Relationships are supposed to help us grow by going after what you want, overcoming competition and polishing your negotiation skills. Jokes aside, honestly love helps you deal with insecurities, loss and deception. Above all a good relationship can be fun. They help you learn what you like physically, emotionally and intellectually. Love is a really beautiful thing and very few people get to experience it in their lives. Unfortunately, “umjolo” has no room for such width of experience. This is because jollists are always on to the next one. They stay with one foot out the door, on the lookout, and ready to trip a new partner (whose funds can sustain longer courting periods) into liking them. And the cycle repeats with no depth. Just excitement. Sounds fun right? Let me say it again, I hate idealised romance.
Follow Noluvuyo Mjoli @noluvuyomjoli571
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